Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Customize Your Wedding.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.