Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
the clam before the storm
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.