Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
This line from Airplane.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.