You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light