Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Taliband
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
gm
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?