Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.