If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.