Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Anyone really
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint