Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My blood type is b hungry.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
🍛
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣