its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Life with a cat in one tweet
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.