If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami