spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.