[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE