[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4