My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
It do be feeling this way.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Steam Forums
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX