95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK