I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.