Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona