Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.