[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]