I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.