The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
you gotta be faster
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]