Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
figuring out my emotional availability:
Holy shit he’s back
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you