quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you