How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.