“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone