you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.