A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I didn’t come here to be called names
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.