Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.