I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”