Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Meme Monday.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
That’s easy for you to say
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.