I could NOT have put it better myself.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.