Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
That 👊
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.