Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.