A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A wise man once said nothing.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*