My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
then why did i get this email
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?