Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work