Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.