UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal