Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.