If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
he chose this
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better