Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You Might Also Like
is nasa ok
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!