“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill