If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.