Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”