After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
#NoRestForTheWicked
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet