always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Monday
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep