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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and itβs like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
i donβt feel like cooking, but iβm too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theoryβ¦yes
Me: ok letβs do this
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Cliffordβs cousin
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress