They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
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Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day