My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
me hooking up with my ex
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Important reminders
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.